i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
