Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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