me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My penis needs a shock collar
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
