hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
