I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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