dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
