We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
