My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize