I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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