how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize