my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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