she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
