i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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