I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
