I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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