dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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