my phone needs a breathalizer
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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