I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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