Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
