it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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