the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
