I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
