That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
