who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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