Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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