he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
