btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
