Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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