I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
