Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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