oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I lost the right to judge tonight
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
