Cold hands, warm shart.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
