Are we in a gay sports bar?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
