It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
