I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize