whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
