I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
