i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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