I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
