party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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