I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
