What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
