Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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