Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
