Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
