I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So vagazzling was a success
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
