I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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