i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
