Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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