guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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