If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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