I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Will exercising make me less horny?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
