Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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