Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
