Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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